At first, I didn’t think there was anything wrong with me.
My turbulent relationships weren’t my fault. All women were the same. Users. Manipulators. Liars. Cheats.
And I still loved them.
I thought I loved them.
Every girlfriend was worse than the last. Each one sweetly smiled and told me they weren’t like other girls. They all told me I was amazing. Why would they use me? I was nothing.
I didn’t think I needed to have self-esteem. I was an atheist. Self-esteem was a lie. Rationality said we are nothing. We are dust. I never worried because I never cared.
At least that’s what I told myself.
Saying you don’t care then sleeping on a salty tear drenched pillow is a farce.
It never dawned on me that I knew nothing about relationships.
It never occurred to me that I was the prey.
Wolves. They all were. ‘I love you despite…’ meant, ‘I smell your blood.’
I was such a fool. I was so wrong.
I almost died for revenge on “love”. The lie of love. The deception of love.
I didn’t know that I didn’t know.
The love I believed in was a lie.
Real love, true love was shown to me by an old Christian Jewish man.
He may have not been a guru that I pilgrimaged for, but all the same he taught me something that never left me.
“Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her.” (Ephesians 5:25 NIV)
I thought I loved like this, maybe I did; but…
Not one, not a single one that I ever said ‘yes’ to would have ever dreamt of loving me the same way.
Their words were always sweet, but they didn’t lose their life for me, I was their handbag.
I was their new accessory.
Love is compromise.
Love is saying ‘no’ to wrong.
Could I blame my bipolar for my issues? Probably.
That ship could sail all my days.
Would it make me happy?
So, I started to say ‘no’.
‘No’ to the wolves.
‘No’ to the lies.
‘No’ the the fake shiny plastic parading itself as gold.
I said ‘yes’ to what was real; when I met her.
I said ‘yes’ to her smile.
‘Yes’ to her mind.
‘Yes’ to her heart.
‘Yes’ to all the things she did, the little things that whispered to my mind but screamed to my soul, ‘She loves you!’
Never again will I believe the lie.
I once was blind but now I see.
Thank you Jesus.