When I was little I thought I had a superpower.
I could sense when things were going to go wrong, or something bad was about to happen.
My success ratio was flawless.
I thought I could see the future.
I kept this knowledge to myself, because I knew, even at a young age, that I didn’t want the scrutiny.
While I could never predict lottery numbers or events that would have a major impact on anything, I could predict, small, mundane things that affected me directly.
Things like a playdate being cancelled, getting called on in class for great work.
As I grew up, this superpower finetuned itself into a massive gut feeling that heralded bad news.
A forgotten exam.
Any sudden, unexpected bad news that came my way – I could sense it coming.
As I grew, it started to happen for no reason at all.
Without warning, I would be struck by this feeling of impending bad news and be on high alert, sometimes for days.
I’d be listening out for any titbit of information that would explain why I’d felt it.
Any information that would confirm that I did in fact have this superpower.
Fast forward a few years and I learned that what I thought was this amazing gift was really anxiety.
I’d become so used to it being with me, constantly, that finding out it was something undesirable was like finding out Santa wasn’t real.
For a while I lost my footing, and what had once felt like a great help was all of a sudden this heavy burden that threatened to suffocate me.
Everything that I thought I had as an inner guidepost turned out to be either pointing the wrong way, or erected on unstable ground.
It wasn’t until my first encounter with God that I was able to make any sense of it.
I still struggle with my anxiety every day.
I am not a perfect Christian.
I forget to read my bible, my prayers are stilted are no where near as beautiful sounding as the prayers in prayer group, and my anxiety gets in the way of my church attendance more often than I’d like to admit.
But since that first encounter, it’s easier to bear.
Remembering that I am not alone in the dark moments, that I don’t have to be anxious for anything – its often that little nudge I need to be able to get out the door.
Being able to sort out some of my inner guideposts again has helped me realise that I did in fact have a superpower all along.
It just didn’t come in the package I was expecting.